Coming at you live from my bedroom, ALANA J is in the hizouse, y’all.

So, I have no idea what the hell to say right now, but I will just let the muse blog through me.

It’s March 26, 2020 – as you can probably tell from the timestamp on my post, which I am assuming is a thing, but have no idea because I truthfully have no idea WTF I am doing.

What’s the expression? Leap and the net will appear?


Not like, as an abbreviation for the inter-NET but as an actual, physical NET because a sista is trippin, she fallin, she can’t get up.

OKAY, do you see how much is wrong with me already? I don’t even know how to stay on topic and the topic is I DON’T KNOW WHAT I AM DOING! Get it together, A.


The date…that is what I was mentioning.


It is COVID COUNTRY out here in these streets. And by COUNTRY I do mean THE ENTIRE PLANET EARTH.

You can blame it on the novel COVID-19 for me doing this RIDICULOUSNESS.

Note to self, Alana…you think in ALL CAPS a lot. You should unpack that in therapy. AKA I should unpack that NEVER because I don’t know if and when I will EVER be able to go back to Dr. White (::cries a river::)!

She is the NET. And she is my world. I have gracefully lept…

pause to google “past tense of leap”…

It’s leaped? Are you fucking kidding me? LEAPED? REALLY?

LEPT is so much more sophisticated. It ends in T, which reminds me of “The teeth the lips the tip of the tongue,” which is one of the fucking classiest articulation exercises I know.

So I’ma have to hit up Miriam and let her ass know I don’t fucks with LEAPED.

It’s a BASIC BIH of a past tense form. All past tense thot-verbs end in -ED.

Switch it up, Miriam. Switch it. The fuck. Up.

Did I mention that I am college educated? I is. That should have never been something I had to look up. But out here in COVID COUNTRY all bets are off, brethren. ALL BETS.

But ALL CAPS are clearly ON.

I feel pretty accomplished by what we’ve done here today and think I’m gonna reward myself with a spot of tea.

Did I mention I’m fasting today?

I is.

Because it’s DAY 10 (for me, at least) of this Quarantine and all I have done is EAT CHEESE.

And crackers, and hummus, and chocolate, and pretzels, and chocolate-covered pretzels TO NAME A FEW.

So, I don’t deserve sustenance today, I’ve declared, and so has the LORD.

I think y’all are gonna need some time to take that all in so.





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